Saturday, December 12, 2009

Untitled (Poem)


Falling apart slowly
I don't know if you can hear me
My screams seem silent
In the clouds that haunt my soul
Part of me has been ripped away
I cannot breathe
My life is falling apart again
How can I live through this again?
Is this life destined to be
A series of heartbreaks
Will I ever find the one
I was meant to be with
They tell me he's there
He's just losing his mind
I do stupid things to forget
The pain that lingers within
I don't know how to forget
What he did to me
I can't get over this
I don't know if I can live again
Within the lie that I've put up
That has slowly become the real me
I fall through darkness
Groping for something to halt my fall
There is nothing there
Nothing at all
Why must the burdens
That are so large and terrible
Be placed on my shoulders
When my whole world is crashing
I can't stand to be here
I don't want to feel like this anymore
I'll just tip back the bottle
And smoke what I can find
Anything to numb the overwhelming pain
That's left deep inside
I can't believe what is happening
My life turned upside down
The reality is I don't deserve what I've been given
So God took it from me
I long for the ending
But He won't give it to me
It's not my time to go
I still have a whole road
That I was meant to follow

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Please Leave (Poem)

I wish you would leave
Get out of my mind
I'm going insane
I don't want to cry
It kills me so much
That you still love me
Because I dearly wish
That I could forget you
I'm spinning in circles
Around my mind
But everywhere I look
You're right by my side
It's wrong to think of you
When I love someone else
It destroys me to think
How much I loved you
When the love I feel for him
Is so much more
I can't stand to hurt you
It would kill me inside
To know you still loved me
When I left you behind
I couldn't stand to do
What you did to me
So long ago
I wish I was free

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Every little kiss
Dug a hole so deep
I cannot feel my heart
It makes it hard to sleep

My heart is nonexistent
You don't know how much it hurts
To know that there's a black hole
And nothing ever works

To quell the pain and anguish
That burn inside as jealousy
That you could own my heart
And not even be able to see

The pain it causes me
Every memory is like a rush
Of selfish, despicable loathing
For the girl who is your crush

Suffering in Silence (Poem)


When no one understands

Do you have to explain?

Or do you let it fade

Like a picture in the rain?

A petal from a flower

Floats in the breeze

As it passes by

You sink to your knees

The pain you feel

Starts deep inside

And grows stronger

With every stride

It soon will cripple

And destroy your mind

Dark thoughts will break through

And will be far from kind

Intro. . .

So, I was looking through some stuff and found an old notebook I wrote in last year. These next few posts, I'm not sure how many, will be things from that notebook. Many are irrelevant now, but still used to mean something to me. If you would like to give imput it is welcome. I am simply writing to write and that is all. Thank you.
Serena

Apocalyptic Speech, Nature in the Apocalypse(Poem)

My fellow demons we will now venture past the gates and bring hell to the suface. Today and all the days following this are our days to rule. The angels cannot quelch the flame that burns within us. They will take out many of us, but only Lucifer, our father, can decide what our outcome will be. You must believe that we will win the war and win over all the pitiful humans of this terrible land. Now, my brothers and sisters, the gate is being opened! Go out into the world and cause the human's great demise!

Fire will fall
Upon the Earth
No mercy will be shown
To the human race
But what will befall
The beauty of nature?
Will it fall
As we do
Or will it flourish
Without us?

A Memory That Still Lingers (Poem)

Lingering in my soul
On my heart
Everywhere
I can't rid myself
Of your prevailing presence
I want to forget
The time that you took
The pieces of my heart
Scattered on the floor
It kills me to dream of you
When during my waking hours
I can only think of him
The effort it takes to push you out
Makes me suffer every day
I don't know how long
My heart will last
But why can't I stand
To forget my past

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Night at The Creek Bed (Story)

I walked down the sidewalk. Rain was pouring down from the heavens. The sky was dark except for the occasional burst of lightning. I was walking to meet my friends down at the old creek bed. They had decided we were going to spend the night there on Halloween night, and tonight was the night. There was a sudden stop to the sidewalk and I followed a small dirt path through some tall grass. I could hear the crickets and the small stream that the creek had turned into. I was getting close when I heard a rustling to my right. I backed away only to run into my friend, David. I screamed loudly and he laughed at me.
"Why did you do that, David?!" I said in hushed tones.
He just kept on laughing and pushed me down the path towards the creek. My boots were caked with a half-inch layer of mud on the bottom. I sighed, I hated having to come down to this creepy creek. The only reason I did was because I didn't want to be considered the chicken of the group. Stacey and Katarina had showed up already and were giggling at the pathetic jokes of the boys who were there.
I recognized only three of the five boys who were there, not counting David. There was James, he had light brown disheveled hair and was wearing his usual jeans and hoodie. Kade had straightened pale blonde hair and was dressed for the cold, he had a winter coat, boots, and some sturdy jeans on. The third boy that I knew was Stefan and he had short black hair and was dressed like he was ready to go to the beach. He always wore shorts and a t-shirt no matter the weather. The other two boys were mysterious to me for some reason and one was staring at me. The other was effortlessly flirting with Katarina, a blonde with plumped red lips. She always tried to go for the sultry look, but overshot it by a lot.
There was a huge fire burning in the middle of the circle the group had created. There were logs that they had dragged over for them to sit on. I was wearing a long black coat and a pair of black skinny jeans with my boots over them. I realized I may have overdressed for the occasion. The girls were wearing simple hoodies, even though they were soaked, and blue jeans with sneakers. I had my hood up because my hair was straightened. David and I decided to join the group as he told them how he had scared me and the epicness of my expression. His short, spiked, blue hair bobbed as he mimmicked me jumping up and screaming. They all laughed about it and were in slight amazement considering how difficult it was to scare me.
I sat down on a log that nobody else had decided to sit on. I am, by choice, a loner. They had set up a few small tents in the grassy area away from much of the mud. A truck I didn't recognize was parked near them. It was probably one of the new boys'. David got into an effortless conversation with Kade while I listened and watched as I always do. The rain was starting to slow down, but the thunder and lightning did not. The boy who was staring at me stood up from his seat, even though Stacey had been trying to flirt with him, and walked over to me.
"Do you mind if I sit here?" he asked me, not taking his eyes away from me for a second.
I looked up at him and did a quick look over, "No I don't mind, but be careful. I bite."
A half-smile played on his lips and he chuckled softly. "I'll bite back," he said playfully.
He sat down next to me and I stared into the fire. The flames were slowly hypnotising me and putting me in a calmer state of mind when all of a sudden he grabbed a lock of my hair and inspected it. I turned towards him and was about to ask him what he was doing when he pulled a small bug out of the strands. He flicked it away and smiled gently at me.
"Thank you. That was very kind of you." I said, although I was in a slight stage of shock.
"You know, you have a gorgeous color of hair. I love redheads." he was flirting with me.
I smiled slightly and thanked him. Not many people commented on my hair anymore. I wasn't used to the admiration of my unique color. In a small town of only about 500 inhabitants, everyone had already commented on my hair as a child.
"What's your name? I've never seen you around here, which is unusual because it's such a small town." I asked casually.
"I'm Matthew, but you can call me Matt, and that," he pointed to the other boy I didn't know," is my brother Jared."
I watched Jared flirt with Stacey, her brown hair shined in the light of the fire. She was having a good time, but she kept looking in my direction; specifically she was looking at Matt. She had been deserted by him, and she didn't take lightly to other girls stealing the attention from her.
"He's flirting pretty hardcore with Stacey. I think she prefers he were you, though. So what brought you to our dinky little town?" I said while still staring in Stacey's direction.
He paused for a bit while thinking. "Our parents died in a car crash about three months ago and we decided that we would move here. Our parents had driven through on their way to camp nearby and loved the town. They would talk about it all the time, so we checked out house prices and they were reasonable. We decided that we would buy the little house on the top of the hill and fix it up."
I was stunned. They had bought the supposedly haunted house on the outskirts of town. Nobody went on that hill since the supposed murder of crazy Joe's wife. Crazy Joe was the man who had lived in the house, but it had been long before any of us were born. Now the stories were just town legends.
"What made you buy that house? Supposedly it's haunted, you know." I told him, matter-of-factly.
"Well it looked like it needed help. I love fixing up old places and making them look beautiful again. My brother likes to tag along." he looked away from me, the first time since he'd sat down.
There was a flash of lightning and a burst of loud thunder. I jumped in my seat and Matt grabbed my arm. The conversations started to quiet down and Matt's hand moved to my knee. Everyone faced towards the fire and I could feel a scary story brewing. Finally James ran his fingers through his already messy hair and sighed loudly.
"You all know that it's Halloween night, but do you know what happened by this very creek ten years ago?" he looked around at all of us. Our eyes were glued to him.
"I'll take that as a no. Well, I'm about to tell you. There was a group of campers, about 7 of them. They decided to spend the night by the creek, just like we are, on Halloween night. They were just joking around and drinking and having fun, when one of them decided to leave to go to the bathroom. He went a little ways into the woods surrounding their site and was doing his buisness when he heard someone walking towards him.
"He yelled, 'Hey dude! I'm takin' a piss. Git outta here!'
"When nobody answered he looked around and saw a wolf standing not ten feet from him. He slowly backed away, but the wolf pounced. Another one came right out of the bushes and they started attacking him. They heard his screams at camp and started running towards where he was, but when they got there he was already dead and blood and guts were everywhere. The wolves, which the campers didn't know were the culprits, were nowhere to be seen. Since cell phone's weren't really out at that time, they had to send a few of them to the police station in town.
"The others stayed near the body to make sure whatever had killed him didn't come back. When the cops finally get there, the girls are nowhere to be found, there are three dead bodies, and there are a mix of wolf, barefoot man, and shoe tracks all around. There was a case about it and a whole bunch of detectives come to check it out, but they never found the real cause of the deaths. There was a theory," he paused for suspense, "they think it was shape shifters."
There was silence and out of nowhere David and Kade jumped out of the woods and screamed "BOO!" Kat, Stacey, and I all screamed at the same time. Obviously the guys were in on it because none of them screamed, they all just laughed hysterically at us. I glared at David and stood up.
"I'm going to bed. Which tent am I in?" I asked.
"The red one in the middle," said Jared, "there's a sleeping bag and some pillows on an air mattress for you."
"Thank you." I said and stalked towards the tents.
I got in my tent and stripped down to just my undershirt and underwear then crawled into the double sleeping bag that they had set up for me. I was slowly falling asleep to the light raindrops falling on the top of the tent when I heard the door unzip and someone walk in. I figured it was Stacey or Kat so I kept my eyes closed and continued trying to sleep. Whoever was in the tent with me curled up next to me in the sleeping bag and got comfortable. I finally fell asleep and drifted off into dreamland.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Storm (Poem)



The crackling thunder

The pattering rain

The flashing lightning

A storm,

My senses blurr

I am in my mind

Yet not a part of me

Slowly pulled into

An unconscious world

Music (Poem)


Music tells what
The soul can't reveal
Opinions show the nature
Of the person's soul
Taste is also an incator
Fun loving, carefree people
Don't pay as much attention
Deep thinking, troubled people
Analyze the song to it's core
I am the latter
I need to analyze to the core

-Serena-

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Quotes from Songs and Myself


"This innocence is brilliant. I hope that it will stay. This moment is perfect. Please don't go away."
-Avril Lavigne; Innocence


"So what did you think I would say, no you can't run away."
-Paramore; For a Pessimist I'm Pretty Optimistic


I've heard never give up on someone you can't go a day without thinking about, but this once I may have to in order to retain whatever sanity I have left.
-Serena (aka-me)


"Familiar breath of my old lies. . .I'll take this piece of you and hope for all eternity. . .He knew each tear before it came."
-Flyleaf; Sorrow


There is no way to kill, nor cripple lonliness. It lingers within like a plague that is inescapable. I will never be healed, I will always remain broken and unmended.
-Serena

Devoured (Short description/story)

The moon shines brightly, but the fog is slowly creeping our direction. The trees around us slowly blurr as the fog rolls in. You aren't able to see very far into the distance, even with the dim, piercing light of a flashlight. The moon slowly disappears within the stomach of the mass. Stars are also swallowed into the belly of the beast. Darkness devours the campsite and all is lost, never to be seen again.

-This was inspired by some fog that really did come into a campsite while I was camping. I felt like describing it in a eerie fashion so I did.

Untitled (Poem) & Simply a Thought

The darkness comforts me

Wraps me in her warm embrace

Cradles me in the abyss of non-existence

Simply a Thought

The silence within the noise is what makes it worth it. The sky is bright, but the sun is fading slowly. I'm not sure what to do, but the puffy clouds change color as the thoughts in my mind blur slowly.

Great Wish (Poem)






Lord, let me fly


Among the stars


With the birds


In the clouds


Above the storm


To watch the lightning


To feel the thunder


The freedom to soar


Wherever the breeze may take me

Sunday, July 26, 2009

My Beloved (Poem)




He has no idea the impact


A simple brush of his fingertips


Causes my unsure heart


The instability of each beat


When he speaks to me


In that amazingly sweet voice


Shivers run down my spine


With the slightest touch or glance


I am in love with him


Like I've never been in love before

The Journey (Poem)


Confusion fills the air

Around my buzzing mind

I, no doubt, love him

Yet I loved another

I fell harder for the one I'm with

But thoughts of the other linger

He said he'd always love me

I weeped at his declaration

I could not forgive the sorrow

He put my dear heart, so near, through

Leaving, not his choice, wasn't tragic

It was the way I was ignored

A piece of dust upon the windowsill

Of his lighthearted little life

He changed my way of living

As I had changed his own

He taught my heart to feel

Unlike it ever had before

Then, unknown to him, he crushed,

Destroyed, and shattered

What was left

Of what once beat for nothing

I regained the pieces

Now they lie within another

Uncertain of their fate

He could be their savior

Or their great demise

But he is unaware

Of this invisible burden

Placed upon his shoulders

Love (Poem)


Love,
One of the most
Confusing emotions
Yet, we strive to
Have it, we hurt
Those most devoted
While those we
Devote our every
Thought to ignore
Our every move.

Untitled (Poem)


Missing someone
Keeps you up
In the dead of night
It keeps you
From rational thought
Your suspicions
Are heightened
And if, like me,
You write
It gives you things,
As well as reasons,
To write your fears

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Chorus (Music)

Child don't follow me home/you're just to perfect for my hands to hold/if you choose to stay/you'll throw it all away/and I just want to take your innocence.
-Innocence; Halestorm


I breathe you in/just to feel you/underneath my skin/holding onto/the sweet escape/is always laced with a familiar taste of posion.

-Familiar Taste of Posion; Halestorm

I'm in love with somebody/found someone who completes me/I'm in love with somebody/and it's not you.
-It's not you; Halestorm

Saturday, May 2, 2009

The End(Random Writing)

This world is falling to it's end. I taste it in the air. The mood of things is never right. The end is near. Darkness will soon roam. Disease and plague will start to kill off the young, old, innocent people. Evil will walk freely among us. Demons young and old. All will destroy everything to create a perfect home. For Lucifer, their master, the great and powerful being. Fire will create the dark that will blot out everything. The Apocalypse is near, my dear. Spend your days well while they still last. . . .

In Love...Again(Thoughts)


Time and time again, I warn myself. The dangers are apparent. A wound that is not there. A pain that is not real. A yearning for the feeling. I know this all too well. I know the things I put me through. However long it takes. I never seem to realize what I really put me through. My heart controls my mind. I don't listen to reason. I push myself past the point of no return. The feelings last beyond the hurt. They turn to longing and terror. Reason has escaped me, only fate will guide me. I may say I'm in too deep, but no one can save me from these waters. They dare not tread the dangerous waves, the treacherous winds, and all that lay inside me. The troubles I put myself through, will surely be my downfall.

Hug(1) and Kiss(2) (Poems)


The warmth
The connection
The thoughts
The sounds
The feelings
The embrace
Create a deeper meaning

The embrace begins it
The warm emotions
You feel confident
Nervousness builds
Butterflies invade
You become unsure
You see their eyes
It's gonna happen
You lean in
Your lips touch
Control is lost
Your mind is overwhelmed
Joy engulfs you
It ends too soon
You cannot breathe
You feel lightheaded
You must leave
A daze is apparent
But you never forget
The kiss

Through The Window Pane(Poem)


The sky shows blue

With puffy white

Through the window pane

The leaves flutter

In a gentle wind

Through the window pane

Birds fly and chirp

And build tiny homes

Through the window pane

My mind flutters

In the clouds

Through the window pane

Thoughts and feelings

Can escape

Through the window pane

I watch life pass

Day by day

Through the window pane

Sunday, April 19, 2009

So, I asked my friends to give me ideas of what to write about and I got an interesting one. Write about the perspective of a girl who just lost her boyfriend. So, that's what I'm going to write about.

As I sat in class, thoughts of that night kept rushing through my mind. I had told him that he should wear a helmet, at least at night. His motorcycle had been on the news. I saw the blood. I was there less than ten minutes after seeing it on tv. His body was nearly unrecognizable, but the bracelet on his wrist couldn't be mistaken by my eyes. The motorcycle was mangled against the pole and his body was flung into the building nearby. The brick had cracked and his body lay destroyed on the pavement. The pool of blood didn't stop me, I collapsed next to his body. The cops nearby tried to stop me, but I screamed and cried for them to let me stay. I told them not to touch the body. I told them that I needed awhile. I was covered in his blood. My pant legs were soaked from where I had collapsed. It was my only pair of jeans. The rest had been torn to shreds. I remember them lifting off of the ground, taking me to the ambulance nearby, and cleaning me up while people cleaned up the body and investigated the crash. News cameras were everywhere. They had captured my incident. The memory was burned into my mind. I couldn't make it disappear. It kept creeping back in and playing over and over again. He had been ready to marry me. I had been devoted to him. I couldn't stand the thought of losing him, yet it had happened.
The teacher called my name, but I didn't hear it. I was too lost in my brain. She walked over to me and tapped me on the shoulder. I snapped out of the daze I was trapped in and looked up to see her worried face. Her eyes were filled with a sense of regret. I could tell she had seen the news and my little outburst. People had tried to get words from me since that day. It had only been three days since the accident. I hadn't taken a day off of school for the fear that I would lose the will to live. I didn't want to disappear. The teacher sent me from the room. She said I shouldn't be in class after such a tragedy and that I could go to the nurse or get some fresh air and that I wouldn't be expected to return. I grabbed my bags and in a haze walked out of the classroom door with everyone watching me. I wasn't embarrassed. I had no reason to be. I had been through a tragedy and everyone, even the principal, knew that I was going through a bad time. I decided finally that I would go and talk to the counselor.
The second that I walked into the dinky office, the secretaries knew what I was there for. I didn't fake a smile, or pretend that I was okay. For once, I actually broke down and cried. They sent me back to the even smaller office. I had never talked to anyone so I wasn't sure how to deal with it. He seemed nice enough with his concerned look and not fake smile. He knew what had happened. He asked me questions and I spilled my guts to him. I nearly barfed from the feeling of letting someone in. I couldn't believe that someone would actually know what was happening to me. I told him that I didn't have suicidal thoughts or anything so medication or therapy wasn't a need. I just needed to tell someone. I needed to get the memories out so that someone knew what was going on in my mind. I explained that I didn't want to go home, but that I didn't want to go to class. He gave me a pass so I could wander and do what I needed to.
I walked through the halls, passing people I knew and didn't. People watched me oddly. I was wearing a skirt, nobody ever saw me in a skirt. I had had no time to buy new jeans or attempt to wash the bloody ones. I had kept them for whatever reason. One of my guy friends walked up to me and didn't say a word. He just walked next to me. He knew no words were needed, I just needed someone there. He ditched his last classes of the day to be there for me. We sat by a tree and I wrote, he watched me nervously. Everyone was expecting a mental breakdown, but I wasn't the type. He knew that. Then all of a sudden tears ran down my face and I was incapable of stopping them. He held me and stroked my hair. I kept crying for about a half an hour. He was still there when I needed him though. I curled up next to him and he held me there until the bell rang. He then picked me up and carried me and our stuff to his car. He drove me home in silence.
I didn't want to be alone so he stayed with me, watching movies and listening to music. His mom called several times, but he didn't answer. He was going to get in trouble and I told him he should probably leave, but he never did. He knew I needed him. My mom was out of town. This was her house. My dad lived in another state. I didn't see much of him. So he decided he was going to stay with me until my mother got back. He made me tea and I curled up in his lap until I fell asleep. When I woke up, I was still in his arms. He was sleeping sitting up. He didn't care. I knew that. I got up and made myself more tea. I washed my face and fixed my hair. I looked terrible. Crying and sleeping afterwards don't mix well. He woke up while I was washing my face and made himself coffee.
I went and curled up on the couch again. I wasn't sure what to feel. I had cried for almost three hours straight because everything reminded me of my loss. I decided, after only four days, that I needed to get over him. I was a strong individual and it was a need not a want. I pushed aside the fact that I had lost my one true love and decided it was time to forget what I had lost and remember what good it was when I had him. The life I had had with him was amazing. The life after him should still be amazing. If I remembered what was good in this life and not what was bad I could get through it. By having that mentality I was ready to do what I needed.
I took a shower. Got dressed in another skirt and went to the stores. I bought new clothes, shoes, anything to get my mind away from my loss. My guy friend watched me do all of this confused. I had gone from crying for hours on end to shopping. How could I bounce back so quickly? The truth is, I didn't. I simply let my heart lead me to what I needed to do instead of letting my sense of grief carry me through my days.

Confusion in Happiness (Writing)


Happiness. It burns within me like the fire from the sun. For once this year I laugh uncontrollably, I blush when I see him, my heart cannot be controlled. People say I'm happy. I just hope that I don't crash and burn as usual. Being happy is strange for me. I don't know how to handle it. I'm used to being so dark and depressed all the time. This is a nice change, but it's kinda frightening me. I wasn't even this happy with my other love. That is why this is scaring me so much. I smile for no reason. It's so bizarre and out of the ordinary. I feel like a little girl again. I giggle for Christ sake! I know most people would take this much better, but I'm dark and evil. This shit honestly doesn't happen to people like me.

Unnamed (Thoughts)


Walking to lunch nearly gives me a heart attack. I know I'm going to see him. He'll be there, he'll stare, he'll laugh, he'll joke. His movements will captivate me. His touch will run shivers down my spine. Looking into his eyes, I'll be lost unintentionally. He'll hide behind his hair. That soft, beautiful hair. The way he walks will distract me. Thoughts will rush into my mind. I want to be in those arms. I want to touch that hair. I want to be the one he looks at. To be the one he's thinking of. I'll be annoying just to get his attention. I'll laugh over ridiculous things. My mind will be constantly filled with thoughts. Against my will, I am falling for him. With every fiber of my being, I am unsure. I miss the one who stole my heart. I think about him every single day, I long to touch him. To kiss him. To be with him once more, yet I know that alternate reality won't occur. No matter how often I wish it to be true. So, I have unintentionally and unwillingly fallen for another. He makes me feel almost exactly the way that the other makes me feel, but without the physical side of things. I'm content falling for him without making out, or hugging, or other various things. No not what you're thinking lol. For the first time, in a long time, I finally think I'm moderately happy again. He has brought the life that was taken from me back from the dead. My heart still belongs to that other being, but I think I may slowly be gaining it back. I want to have that physical side of things with this boy, but I'm content just being friends for now. He's one of the most amazing boys I have met in a very long time. He teases me, when I push he pushes back, he won't let me control him, he is amazing in that sense. I need someone to actually push back. That may be one of the reasons that I am, in fact, falling hard for him. So, as I said before, against my will, I have fallen in love again. :)

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Easier Times (Poem)



I keep living a lie

There is no turning back

I'm travelling the world

With this lie around my neck

The life I had before this

Was so much easier

I was able to sleep at night

And days were not a blurr

The lie around my neck

May turn into a noose

I cannot stop it's growing

And I am soon to lose

Saved (Random Thoughts)


I have been saved. My heart was longing for someone who was nearly out of reach. Then another came along and his recently single status has sparked my interest. He's amazing and gorgeous and makes me laugh when I want to cry and he has truly saved my heart from the deep depression it was in. I feel renewed, but it's bittersweet. If I let him in I could get hurt again like I have been many times before, but I absolutely adore him and I wish deeply for him to be mine. I am extremely jealous when he flirts with other girls. I become possessive of my crushes but not outwardly possessive. I more get a feeling in the pit of my stomach because I wish he was flirting with me not some other random chick. I flirt all the time with other guys and I can only wonder if he feels the same jealousy I feel. If we were together it would be pure magic on my part. Just being near him makes me giggle like a little girl and smile against my will. I'm sure I blush like no other as well. He came along when I had no heart and rejuvenated what little pieces I had left. I have him to thank for that. I'm just afraid that whatever I do have left he'll steal and destroy just like what happened with the one who I thought was my soul mate. I have no idea what to do but writing about it made me feel much better. I'm done for now and I'm going to go ponder what to do.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Heartbreak (Rant)

Broken, beat, and scarred. My heart has been through more pain than any should. It's been numb, alive, in love, ripped in half, destroyed on the pavement, stopped, died, been beaten to the point where I couldn't possibly recognize it. The torment of the heart will never be stopped. Disappointment, heartbreak, death, loss of love, loss of will, anything possible will rip it to shreds because it can endure the pain and stress put on it. There is no way to keep a heart safe. You can put as many walls as you can around it. You can bind it and suffocate it to the point of no feeling but someone will come along, rejuvinate the life you once felt, and destroy your heart leaving it hopeless on the pavement.

Confusion (Life Problems)


Alright so my friend is kinda depressed. His girlfriend broke up with him and although I'm truly falling for him I feel really bad. I'm concerned and honestly it's hard to make me actually care for someone that much. He seems very distant and just not right. I have no idea how to help him. He's not the kind of person to take things very seriously. He's absolutely gorgeous and amazing and I want to pay absolute attention to him everytime I'm near him. I antagonize him just to get his attention. I'm seriously concerned for his health right now though. I think he's just like me in the way that his mind works. He hides as much of his emotions as he can and laughs like no other when he really feels a need to be different than that. Why he's confiding in me I will never know. People come to me with their problems but not him. I went to him with a problem once, but that problem is irrelevent seeing as my so called true love decides not to talk to me and be a gigantic ass face whenever I attempt a conversation. I'm not sure what to do about that either. Then to add onto this huge mess I have a boy who is sweet and funny and kind that I'm sure is falling hard for me but I feel no connection there. His personality is great but I have been with two guys like that and I walked all over them. I'm terrible in a relationshit because I have a very hard time thinking of anyone but myself. I'm very selfish but that is how a teenager is supposed to be. I feel like such a tease sometimes because I am really not looking for a connection anymore. I found who I want and I can't be with him because for one he's taken and for two I'm almost positive he doesn't feel the same way about me. I mean honestly how could he? I am exactly like him. We're both looking first and foremost for a physical attraction and the physical aspects of a relationshit. That was all I wanted from him until I realized I was absolutely and irrevocably in love with him. Now he's tossed me from his life like a used rag even though he supposedly still loves me. I was never officially with him to tell you the truth. We were what many would call friends with benefits but losing him was like losing a boyfriend. He was so sweet to me but he would push back. I have a way with just picking at people and finding what gets to them and messing with them constantly. He was able to deal with that and I never wanted to fight with him like I do with other people. He was absolutely amazing in so many ways. He was my perfect match but I suppose when you lose someone your bound to feel like this. No he didn't die or anything he just moved and found a replacement. She's much prettier and probably a lot more happy than I could ever be. She's much better for him and as much as I say that I can't agree with it. I can't admit to the fact that someone could replace me.

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Meeting of Souls (Random Thinkings)


I believe with all of my heart that falling in love with someone is simply escalating the feeling of friendship to a more personal level. I don't think it is possible to simply fall in love with someone if you know nothing about them. When you fall in love it's like seeing your soul reflected in the eyes of another. You meet your soul's match. For everyone there is that person who is walking around, carrying half of their soul, and waiting for the chance to meet it's match in another. Every soul knows who it's mate is and it is the job of the body to find that person no matter what it takes to achieve that. I think that souls are wired to pull you towards that person even if you live miles apart. Eventually fate will lead you to that person. Many simply settle for what they have in another even if it's not quite the perfect fit. The search is what many have fun with. Finding that one person who can make your heart beat fast and slow at the same time. That person who makes you blush with the slightest touch. That person who when you're in their arms you know that it's the one place you were meant to be. Your soul chooses it's match in another. Sometimes for those souls meeting is like an explosion of fireworks. Other times it takes awhile for the souls to figure out that they were meant for eachother. It's like meeting a friend on the street that you haven't seen in awhile. At first you may not recognize them but when you finally do you feel an overwhelming joy at the memories that rush into your mind. Your soul know's it's match in another and therefore will eventually recognize it's other half. The search is the fun part, so my advice is to search and get to know people even if they don't seem to make sense to you at the time. You never know where you'll meet your soul mate.

Love, Dark, and Light (Randomness)



Love is like magic. When you find the one you love everything in the world stops and you are the only two people who matter. In this picture dark and light are coming together in a loving bond. Dark and light exist together naturally. We label them by calling them either good (light) or evil (dark), yet how are we to know which is which. The reason many fear the dark is because it is labeled as evil and hateful. The light is where many believe goodness lies. It is supposedly pure while dark is tainted. The image makes sense, but the two live together in harmony. The reason we exist on this earth is because of the love of a God who put us on this planet. The continuation is because of an act which is good under certain circumstances but tainted and bad under others. Therefore our very existence on this earth is tainted because of the way that we came to be after initial creation. The longer you are on this earth, the more you become tainted and darkened by sins. The sins we commit are said to be sins because of what others in our past believed to be bad and hateful or impure. A few sins are truly only bad when you do not have to bond of marriage to condone those very sins that otherwise are inexcusable. So why in the first place are these sins? Sins of the flesh make no sense to me. In my opinion it's your body, do with it what you will. Love is the very base to which our existence relies on. If there is no love, there is no act of love. If there is no act of love, there is no continuing of a species. Therefore in order to love and continue on this earth as we have we must become tainted and therefore commit the sins which God tells us not to. It just seems a bit puzzling to me.

Interesting thought (Randomness)



Have you ever wanted to be part of the mystical realm? Just to be one of the magical creatures we read about in stories or see on tv. To see what their life is like apart from the human world. I'd love to have wings and be able to soar above the clouds into a world unknown to us simple beings.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Lost (Poem)

Just living life
Going through the motions
Everything becomes a haze
And I lose track of time
The days are dark and cold
The nights are clear and crisp
I cannot find my soul
Within my lost body
My mind becomes a fog
The trails inside are lost
I dwell upon the past
For it's all I can remember
I dread the cursed days
When time seems to drag on
I long for the dark silence
That the comforting night brings

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Random Writing (Realization)

The death of a heart is a painful thing. Long ago I welcomed the cold darkness of a dead heart. I thought it was impossible to restore life to my unbeating heart. Then he came along. The first moment with him made my heart burst to life. It was amazing the emotion I felt in one glance. He brought my heart to life. Over the next year he slowly stole my heart from me. Now I'm left with an emptiness where my reborn heart had been held. He left with my heart and I now feel pain beyond what I could have ever imagined. I was the cure for his broken heart as he was for mine.

Untitled (Poem)

My mind is exhausted
I've carried the weight
My poor heart brought
Upon it's sad self
I think too much
About all my loss
I've been turning darker
The light doesn't stay
I try to think good
But the thoughts refuse to stay
I'm falling down deeper
And I am the prey
To dark emotions
Roiling within
The darkness controls me
Surrounds me with sin
You cannot save me
There's no turning back
My heart is gone
And my soul has turned black

Monday, February 16, 2009

Love Quote

Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies.

I got this quote from blogthings.com. I agree with it completely. I believe that everyone has a soul. That soul is missing something. When you find true love your soul is complete and you give a half of yourself over to that person and vise versa. Therefore two bodies are shared by one complete soul. If you find your soul mate then the pieces fit together perfectly, but if you just find someone close enough they complete you but not perfectly. A soul mate is someone who no matter what you always feel their presence. When they are gone you feel an emptiness where that half of your soul once was. When they are near you feel more complete than you could ever feel. Just the sight of them may calm you down and excite you at the same time. Your heart beats faster but your breathing gets slower. The world stops for a moment and you are the only two there. This has happened to me. I found my soul mate, but because we are teenagers he was forced to move and has a girlfriend because I'm not around. If I was around I would pray to God that he didn't choose someone else. The male species is very hard headed. They don't know how deeply we women feel. Just seeing the pictures of him with his current girlfriend makes me feel like my very heart and soul have been torn from my body. This quote describes how I feel perfectly. My soul and his are entwined and he owns a half of what should be me. He may not know it but the pain he causes is worse than I have ever felt in all my 16 years. I can't think of anything else to write so I'm done for now.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

The Realms of My Mind(Random thoughts)

Barbed wire fences are meant to keep things in. Well, I have a barbed wire fence to keep people out and my thoughts in. Behind the fence is a moat, filled with sharks and nile crocodiles. The creatures keep me safe and devour all attempts to break in, but if you get past these sharp thorns on green vines await you. The blood of many gleams on thorny tips. You either turn back now or you will meet the same fate. After the vines is a simple brick wall, easily climbed for it is not very tall. But after this wall is another, unimaginably tall and made of steel. Tunneling is dumb for the wall goes below too. Climing is out of the question because the surface is seamless and smooth. Within these walls is darkness, the many thoughts I have, and within those thoughts is me. I struggle to keep the darkness at bay while I lie in my peacefull meadow filled with sun and flowers. The sky is blue, the water is pure, and the colors are unimaginably vibrant. The flowers hold the secrets that others have told me. They die when I forget them but they're always safe with me. Pixies of many different types fly from tree to tree, spreading secrets like gossip and those secrets belong to me. The flowers do not speak, so others secrets are not told, but my secrets buzz about and spout from tiny little mouths. I lie there peacefully within my layers of protection. I do not worry about intruders, for not one have gotten this far. They've broken through some boundaries, but never broken them all. If someone did, I'd be surprised and chaos would rule this place of mine. Secrets broken free by pixies to the betrayer. My sky would turn black as the darkness rolled in. The flowers would die, hopefully not picked. For if one was to mess with them you'd surely know they're trick. They reveal they're secrets when poked and prodded at. This terrible flaw will be my downfall. Many secrets broken free, I will be the one they turn to and think, "How could she betray me?" I'm safe inside this place of mine and so are other's thoughts. So therefore, do not poke and prodd and venture to my meadow. I am a secret's haven and many trust me a lot. Breaking through the boundaries would surely bring my world to an end.

Untitled(Poem)

Morning light
Is dark and gray
But the sun soon rises
And gives us day
Dark and depressing
Is the rain
Which is where those belong
Who are in pain
The colorful sunrise
Brings new hope
For those in depression
A tangled rope
Clouded thoughts
On a cloudy day
May seem to linger
In a darkened way
The sun may bring
True, beautiful light
But a mind can be darkened
In the course of a night

Winter(Poem)

The cold, dark winter
Is the silence I long for
It reflects the way I feel
So I blend in well with it

Cursed beast who lives within
The cold will feed your hate
Your journey through my darkened soul
Is your garden of eden

I thrive within the winter cold
My soul turns black as night
There is no light or warmth within
For my heart has tragically ended

True Fears(Poem)

Nightmares
They disturb your unconcious mind
The innocence disappears
Your lovely dream turns to demonic horror
Dangerous creatures invade your thoughts
Your greatest weakness
Your deepest fears
You cannot stop them
When they appear
Your dreams can kill you
Destroy your hopes
But can you defeat them
In the real world
I fear not demons
Nor goblins or ghouls
I fear the real things
That live in this world
The dangerous people
Who freely take life
And terrorize children
And rape in the night
I do not fear for myself
As others may do
I fear for my siblings
Who would be helpless to
The real demons and monsters
Who commit terrible acts
If I cannot save them
I have failed, that's fact
The world is full of danger
Creepers in the night
And yet we fear the dangers
Which creep in our minds
The nightmares never come to life
Unless you dream like me
I think what I may fear the most
Is my own abilities
Am I too weak to save them?
Could I stand up to danger?
Could I sacrifice myself
If they were in danger?

Night Stalkers(Poem)

Are there creatures in the night?
Do they stalk and prey on humans?
Could the legends and the stories
All be true in the real world?
Stalking their prey
Like a lion or a tiger
They leap with efficiency
And kill their prey quickly


Feeble little humans
You cannot run and hide
For we are masters of deciet
And stay on your good side
We blend well in society
Besides our gorgeous looks
You won't even know the danger
Until you read your books
The pale skin and wise eyes
The speed and great agility
The ice cold touch upon your neck
We are far from your fragility
Your frail little structure
Is only a case for our food
We easily tear through you
And are in a ravenous mood
Your skin is like a soft cloth
Easily torn to shreds
Your blood is like a life force
And it quickly goes to our heads
Blood is like a drug to us
We need it to stay living
And if we wish to exist
Then you must keep on living

Missing(Poem)

A half of me is missing
I know right where it is
It lives within another
Because it now is his
He took my soul there with him
To a new place far away
Now I live in emptiness
Because I refuse to stray
The time we had together
Made me feel complete
But when he left me all alone
My heart burst at my feet
The joy that I had felt
Everytime he was near
Left so very quickly
And in rushed the fear
Would I be alone forever?
Could I get over the way he made me feel?
Or would I live in pain?
It makes my stomach reel
I have found my soul mate
He is so near, but so far
My heart and body long for him
For these feelings are rare